i’ve been in white plains, ny for 45 days.

and i have a lot of thoughts about it.

the first week was sparkly. well.. let’s start from the real beginning. my car almost didn’t make it here on the initial trek from vermont on that saturday.. i wasn’t able to shift above third gear, and was white knuckling the steering wheel for the last 50 miles. and it’s all highways. and i’m immediately stressed about the possibility of not having a driveable car. i arrive at my new house and meet my landlord. “how was your drive?” he asks. “well..” i tell him what happened. he gives me a rec for a mechanic. i say thanks.

with heightened emotions and misty eyes, i unpack my items, then head to get dinner down the hill from my house. after dinner i stop in the local wine shop, because i know prosecco would calm my nerves a bit. “how’s your day been?” the cashier in the wine shop asks. “well..” and i explain my predicament. so he calls up a local mechanic. on a saturday night. the mechanic answers, and tells me to come by tomorrow morning. sunday morning.

so on sunday morning, i get in my half dead car, and thankfully, it starts. and i carefully drive up the street. and two hours later, on a sunday morning, when the garage was technically closed, my car is fixed.

turns out, my land lord and the wine shop cashier recommended the same mechanic.

i think i’m gonna be okay here..

so anyway. other than that—

the first week was sparkly. there were leaves on the trees. they blocked the view of the train station from my kitchen window. the sun shined warm and bright. and so did i. i walked with a skip in my step, fueled by this boundless energy. i had to use maps to find my way around.

over the next two weeks, i began to settle. i discovered where all my favorite foods were in trader joe’s, and started frequenting the h mart too. i began to learn my way around, relying less on maps.

and during those first few weeks i made my way to colorado.. to red rocks.. what a beautiful place. i took the train the nyc a few times. a dear friend of mine came to visit. i would walk up the hill to the dam near my home and take in the beautiful world around me. the future felt so unknown. i felt eternally present. i felt good.

a dear friend with travel nurse experience once told me i might be depressed for the first four weeks. and she was kinda right.

there were days when i’d stay home, in my comfies, all day. watch the sun set earlier.. and earlier.. feeling lonely. feeling empty. bored. directionless..

another dear friend with travel nurse experience told me it can take up to eight weeks to feel settled and accepted on a new unit. she was also kinda right.

after those first few weeks, i had some rough shifts on my new unit that made me question everything. what am i doing here? am i cut out for this? will i ever figure out all this charting? i missed my old unit.. i missed the comfort, the predictability, the ease, the routine, my friends. will i ever make friends here???

by now, on week seven, i do feel more settled. the leaves have since fallen, and i can see the train station clearly from my kitchen window. i know my way around without maps. i’ve traveled a bit further away from my home to find things to do.. a yoga class, a lil artisan market, a yummy cafe, a delightful skatepark..

i have started to make friends, in the hospital and outside of the hospital. the people on my unit recognize me, and seem curious to know me. seem to trust me. my patients (almost) always express gratitude for my care.

and through all of this, i’m leaning that nothing about this lifestyle is linear. there are days where i skip with glee in my best outfits, go on adventures, and feel so present and happy, excited and curious. and there are still those days where i stay in.. hiding away, safe and cozy, shy and scared..

and i’m learning that nothing about this lifestyle is predictable. i swore i’d only be here for one contract. exactly 13 weeks.. well..

i’ve signed a short contract extension, and i will be here until mid february now. for GOOD reason though..

i applied for my california nursing license. and iykyk.. that one can take a long time to be approved. but when it is (hopefully before the end of february..) i will make my way west. toward the sun. and the ocean. and the palm trees. like i always wanted to.

but, in the mean time, you can find me here. in january, i’ll have some time off. and i’ll make my way back to VT & MA.

i know that going to california will be an even bigger adjustment than coming here. and i have a lot of thoughts about it. i will be quite far from home.. but.. i think it will be an excellent adventure.

and when that time comes, i will write another dissertation.. likely with the same theme.. that nothing about any of this is linear or predictable.

so, for now, i will say, that i am grateful to be here. i’m thankful for trusting my intuition and leaving behind comfort and predictability for the unknown. and i’m proud of myself for embracing change.

i hope you have a lot to be thankful for today and always. and i hope you do something soon that tests your comfort. you’ll be better off for doing so.

and never forget to tell those you love that you love them.

happy thanksgiving friends.

with love,
– kt irl

“
it’s just desolation in dark weeks
and it’s time to get the ghost off me,
to get so above that i don’t sink
cause that water’s deep, that water’s deep.
this vicious cycle’s enlightening
and for once i think that i might be close.

and when it ends
i’ll be in the reach, waiting for you.
a bright vision of life, through the night.
i am always with you.

so what i’ll do is attempt to define a truth:
a realized version of life,
where i’m nothing but honest and stable and kind.
why are we reaching up when reality is on the ground?
if i step back and just look down,
maybe i’ll figure it out.
“
– telemetry, by the ready set

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